Gail's Luxury

This pie is rather a special one. It's available only from the
restaurant of the company where one of the scientists works
and has been created and offered for testing by Gail.

Packaging: 10/10
This is by far the best packaging we have seen yet.
The window concept has been taken to its logical conclusion
by being extended across one entire face of the box.
It is also the most Christmassy design yet. The sides
are covered in a beautiful secular Holly leaf, twig and
berries motif which is continues on the inside of the box.
Top marks are also attained in the environmental stakes.
The bare minimum of packaging has been used and to great
effect. It doesn't get better than this.

Value For Money: 10/10
These pies were a gift to the Scientists so full marks are
attained again. Other pie producers take note:
this is the way to get high marks!

Mincemeat Percentage: 7.7/10
These pies were not as heavy as many we've tested and also
suffered from a slightly less generous helping of the sweat
meat. Only 26.80% mincemeat.

Geometry: 3.5/10
Depth of filling: 14mm
Thickness of pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 5mm
Width at widest point: 6.5mm

This pie is nicely in proportion but a little under-sized.
It is perhaps a little squat which is to the detriment of
the gap and the less generous mincemeat helping contributes
to a relatively poor depth of filling.

Calorie Content: 7/10
This is an estimated value, based on the size and
weight of this pie, and the fact that the pastry is made
with margarine. It is an ideal session pie - like a
fine bitter you can consume all night and only grow a small
belly as a result. Highly recommended for the girls,
bitter is, and so is this pie. In fact we reckon that
if you ate a lettuce leaf with every pie you might actually
lose weight. Might.

Artistic Interpretation: 7.5/10
This pie is a piece of minimalist beauty. The pastry
has been delicately cut to shape in a very pleasing way but
the crowning glory (quite literally) is the dusting of icing
sugar and cinnamon. This is just like a light dusting
of snow on a fine gravel and reminds us of ideal snow for
snowballs. It's also a very tasty topping.
Points have been docked for the lack of height and more
could have been earned if there were more decoration on top.

Quality of Mincemeat: 8.5/10
This is very high quality mincemeat indeed. There is a
very structured separation of the different flavours and
Bramley apple adds a certain something that others tested so
far lack. The texture is also spot on, it's not mushy
like many commercial pies.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 6/10
More than just a hint, but sadly not enough to contravene
any company Health and Safety regulations.

Sturdiness: 10/10
No breakages of any sort, this is a very sturdy pie indeed.
The structural integrity owes a lot to the very savvy use of
puff pastry which doesn't crumble like short crust.
Actually we think that you could quite happily be eating
this pie one-handed and using the other hand for almost
anything else.

Consumption Experience: 7.5/10
The puff pastry was outstanding and the mincemeat
complimented it very well indeed. Points have been
lost because of the slight lack of mincemeat, however, the
mix of pastry and mincemeat is very good considering.
All scientists thought that this pie would probably be
better warmed and the box was actually still warm when
presented for testing, however, in the interests of making
this a fair scientific test the pies were allowed to cool.
If we had sampled them warm we would have had to restart the
whole project using warm pies and we can't afford the new
pairs of trousers and longer belts that this would entail.

Overall Score:
77.7%

A very solid performer indeed. We were very
impressed with this pie and it just goes to show that
home-made pies can score as highly as the big boys.
Speaking of big boys, we're off in search of some beer to go
with the remainder of these pies.

Summary: Dec '06

Sorry for the lack of reviews, dear readers. We've had a turbulent time of late, with one of our intrepid scientists moving to pastures new (Essex?!). Here's a summary of what we've tested so far in descending order:

Pie	Overall
Tesco Finest	79.3%
Waitrose Shortcrust	78.2%
ASDA Ex. Special	77.2%
Sainsbury's Organic	73.8%
Sainsbury's Brandy Rich	66.8%
Tesco Deep Filled	66.8%
Waitrose All Butter	63.4%
Tesco Shallow	60.6%
Mr Kipling Deep Filled	56.9%
Tesco Value	50.6%
Hopper's Rich Fruit	49.4%
Duchy Originals Organic	49.4%

ASDA Extra Special

For this review, the three regular scientists have been joined by Mr. RT and Miss KB who sampled at least a pie each, after a nice big curry.

Packaging: 7.5/10
As white as Bing Crosby's Christmas and at least as Christmassy. This box is likely to appeal to all age groups - with the hip and cool font for 'Extra Special' and the lovely out of focus class of cognac in the background. No pork pies either here - the pies on the front are very accurate and charming indeed. Finally the lack of superfluous packaging wins universal approval. A point was deducted from Miss KB as the packaging was not made from recycled material however, as Miss KB had spent an hour earlier on that evening driving a gas guzzling, ozone destroying but HOT Porsche Boxster her view is somewhat distorted so her viewpoint may be slightly misguided.

Value For Money: 6.6/10
£1.48 for 6 = 24.6p per pie. An average weight of 63.1g, places these pies in the upper weight bracket but they're far from the heaviest so far.

Mincemeat Percentage: 8.4/10
Even though there was only 21.42g of mincemeat in this pie, the lighter pie means that it's the same as Tesco's Finest at 33.9% mincemeat. Just as classy.

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 15mm
Thickness of pastry: 4mm
Gap from mince to dome: 15mm
Width at widest point: 70mm
The outward appearance is of a finely proportioned pie and that is basically what you get, except it'd be even better if there was just a little more mincemeat.

Calorie Content: 5/10
As the resident female for tonight's round of testing, let me take this opportunity to make one thing clear. Any girl who is remotely worried about calories is not going to be eating mince pies. For the month of December all thoughts of calories, fat content, carbohydrates and potential bloated-ness goes out the window in favour of eating, drinking and general seasonal merriment. Therefore, as long as the eating experience leaves one feeling adequately content and festive, who cares about calories? Bring it on!

Artistic Interpretation: 8.3/10
This was quite a beautiful pie. Lovely golden colouring, perfect shape, intricate detailing conveyed to the pastry by the foil tray and a perfect, secular snowflake atop. Even the detail around the edge was of as a good a standard as any we've seen so far.

Quality of Mincemeat: 8.2/10
A top quality mincemeat. Lovely texture, great fruits and definite evidence of berries, too. This is almost as good as it gets, although it's not quite as good a flavour as the Sainsbury's Organic.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 6.10/10
The hit of alcohol isn't immediate, but it is there and is very welcome. The alcohol doesn't cloud the flavour of the mincemeat but accompanies it well.

Sturdiness: 10/10
No breakages, even in the hands of the neophytes. Obviously our guests have better pie coordination than Miss X. This is a very sturdy pie, partially because of the quality of the pastry and also because the geometry makes it strong.

Consumption Experience: 9/10
This is such a beautiful-looking pie that it's a shame to sink your laughing gear into it. But you'll be glad that you did. It's not the best pie tested so far by any means but if you're a form-over function kind of person this might be the pie for you.

Overall Score: 77.2%

This is the closest we've got to a 'life-style' pie so far.

Sainsbury's Organic

Another all-Organic tasting, the first as a supermarket-own brand. Maybe we'll get a mention in the Guardian.


Packaging: 6/10
This is a real departure from the usual styles of packaging, but the attractive Christmas-Tree Green box remains festive, whilst reinforcing the organic nature of the contents. We liked the variegated holly-leaf detailing – a real touch of class. The inside is not so green - upon opening, the taster is presented with six pies wrapped in two separate trays of three – totally unnecessary over-packaging resulting in far too much plastic going to land-fill.

Value for Money: 4.96/10
This is not a cheap pie by any means, coming in at 0.5p/g, but were you really expecting it to be? It is organic and from Sainsbury’s – if you can’t afford it, get yourself to Lidl.

Mincemeat percentage: 8.35/10
This has a decent dollop of the stuff inside its delicious pastry case. Not up there with the likes of a Waitrose Shortcrust or Tesco Finest, but certainly not mean. We did experience an anomaly, however, with one of the tested pies being woefully short on filling:


Can you *believe* what they tried to get away with?

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: mm
Thickness of Pastry: mm
Gap from mince to dome: mm
Width at widest point: mm

This is a handsomely crafted pie: nice and big and wide, and with a remarkable - actually slightly oversized (or under-filled) - brandy butter gap beneath the dome.

Calorie Content: 6/10
A real turn-up for the books – most of the best pies have scored only 5/10 in the health-food stakes. We can only assume that the organic ingredients are of such quality that saturated fat is reduced. Excellent news for the ladies.

Artistic Impression: 8.5/10
Now this pie really starts to come into its own. The decoration on the lid is a large and detailed twig and berries, really evoking the spirit of the season. The large swags of pastry cut around the edge of the lid give an impression of quality, and the colour and tone of the pastry is spot on.
Sadly, the pie-makers in the Sainsbury’s Organic factory are not as proud of their handiwork as they might be as a real runt managed to slip through, showing their quality control procedures to be severely lacking:


Another cavalier pie.

Quality of mincemeat: 9.33/10
This is mincemeat for the connoisseur: a wonderful rich, moist, fruity, textured experience with a deep, lasting flavour that immediately makes you reach for a second pie. I doubt this organic marvel will be topped this side of Yuletide.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 3/10
Very little alcohol on the nose or the tastebuds here. A shame, really, as the mincemeat would have been a 10/10 if some brandy or port were more evident. Maybe they don’t make organic booze cheaply enough to make economic sense for Sainsbury’s.

Sturdiness: 10/10
A sign of good pastry – not too crumbly. No shirts were soiled during the tasting of these robust pies.

Consumption Experience: 7.67/10
Two reviewers gave almost maximum marks here for a truly excellent pie, but the hard-felt and bitter opinion of the third was caused by the pie pictured above, almost devoid of mincemeat. The blow was felt all the harder when he realised that he had missed out on the best mincemeat yet tasted.


Overall Score: 73.8%

The personal favourite of today’s writer and very highly rated by the others, this pie could have taken pole position if the manufacturing process was more vigorously monitored. To find a shallow-fill or a special-school runt may be regarded as a misfortune, but to have both in the same box looks like carelessness.

Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Brandy Rich

Packaging: 3.3/10

Taste the difference but don't see the difference with these pies. This is a horrid box that cares more about being pink than it does Christmas. Complete lack of any festivity loses it a lot of marks, as does the needless inner wrapper. The only redeeming feature is the window that allows the shopper to see the pies within.

Value for Money: 6.3/10
23.8p per pie and .38p per gram. Not a heavy pie and certainly not good value for money. These pies are middle of the road and nothing special.


Mincemeat percentage: 8.4/10
Not quite as deep-fill as some but the 33.6% Mincemeat is better than a lot of pies so far.

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 16mm
Thickness of Pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 0mm
Width at widest point: 72mm
We can see the difference in these pies, certainly. A nice high score here for these well-put together pies.

Calorie Content: 5/10
Yet again, a fine pie for the men and for those women with high metabolisms and small waistlines. So far there's not very much variation in the calorie content of our pies

Artistic Impression: 6.6/10
This is a nicely proportioned pie with good detail around the edge, although not as neat as our Tesco Finest samples. They lose marks for lack of festive decoration.

Quality of mincemeat: 7.16/10
Two of the scientists really liked this mincemeat and one thought it was verging on the 'Christmas Cakey' taste found in the Duchy Pies. All thought it was a little dry but also agreed that the texture was spot-on.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 3/10
These pies claimed to have brandy and port in them. True enough we could taste a little alcohol but not enough to substantiate these claims.

Sturdiness: 10/10
Perfect pastry in terms of strength. Not a single breakage and very few crumbs were wasted down out fronts.

Consumption Experience: 7/10
Aside from the lack of alcohol and dryness (our scientific brains have worked out that these two problems may be linked) two of the scientists were very much in favour of these pies. One of us, however, thought that the pastry was too rich (along similar lines to the Waitrose All-Butter) and the mincemeat suffered from the Christmas cake affliction.

Overall Score: 66.8%

These Pies are not a universal crowd-pleaser and lack that essential sparkle needed to make them stand out among the rest on test here.

Hoppers' Farmhouse Bakeries: Luxurious Rich Fruit

A departure from the supermarkets, these chaps were actually a present from a colleague of one of the Scientists. We are joined for one time only by a Guest Scientist, to whom we shall refer only as Miss X to protect her identity.

Packaging: 6.5/10
A hotly disputed packaging. Some testers felt it was nicely festive, with a good sprig of holly, but others – including guest reviewer Miss X – felt it was dated and boring with too many fonts cluttering its thin surface.

Value for Money: 4.8/10
These cost £1.59 for six, meaning you get one pie for 26.5p. At 0.52 pence per gram of pie, these are more expensive than you would think (and would wish to pay).

Mincemeat percentage: 7.1/10
A dismal amount of mincemeat, barely coating the interior of the pie. A whisker over one fifth of the pie – 20.8% - is mincemeat, which is nothing like enough.

Geometry: -1/10
Depth of filling: 7mm
Thickness of Pastry: 4mm
Gap from mince to dome: 0mm
Width at widest point: 65mm

This is an absurd squat little pie. This might fit nicely in the hand of a toddler, but is far too small for anyone tall enough to ride a roller coaster.

Calorie Content: 6/10
One saving grace is that this pie is the sort of thing Gwyneth Paltrow might buy from Holland and Barrett. Health food.

Artistic Impression: 7/10
Splendid detailing on the lid – a beautifully crafted artisan twig and berries. This could have been a winner, but the well-made top is resting on a truly ugly little base, so it is a pie not pleasing to the eye.

Quality of mincemeat: 8/10
The mincemeat was actually excellent and, despite the paltry quantity, managed to make itself known above the pastry. This pie would have benefited from a great deal more of the stuff.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 0/10
Not a whiff of the stuff. The bottle of brandy at Hoppers had clearly been drained at the design stage by whoever decided that this pie was just the right height.

Sturdiness: 5/10
Two pies remained intact, and two pies collapsed, including that of Miss X whose inexperienced grip may have been a little tight around the base.

Consumption Experience: 6/10
This pie is not really that bad: the mincemeat is delicious but thin on the ground, and the pastry is inoffensive, almost tasty, stuff (which is good as there is a surfeit). However, it is not that nice either.

Overall Score: 49.4%

Don't bother. Too much money for too little pie.

Waitrose Shortcrust

Packaging: 6.83/10

This box is not in the classic style in this genre but there are many good points. It's as red as Rudolph's nose, has little twinkling stars, and an impressionistic set of Christmas lights across the top right hand corner. We also really liked the humorous mini stack of pies. Perhaps this could be a new Christmas game!

Value for Money: 7.2/10
99p for 6 pies. At 16.5p these are the same as Tesco Deep Filled but have the quality Waitrose name associated with them. The average tonnage is 63.66g so these are a reasonable 0.26p/g. This begs the question of why anyone would buy the Tesco items. Let's see if these pies come out on top.

Mincemeat percentage: 8.9/10
The definition of Deep Fill! These Pies are the same as the other Waitrose offering. It's another Waitrose winner at 39% mincemeat.

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 16mm
Thickness of Pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 8mm
Width at widest point: 69mm
Another splendidly proportioned affair, with every measurement yielding an ideal result. Well done again, Waitrose!

Calorie Content: 5/10
Another good pie for the men. As good as a warming bowl of porridge on a cold day and likely to contain more alcohol. Ample ladies should perhaps look elsewhere.

Artistic Impression: 8.3/10
A very classy pie indeed. Very thoughtfully created, loses only a couple of marks for the religious star on top. At least they tried though!!

Quality of mincemeat: 8.3/10
Two of the scientists were enthralled by this mincemeat and the other reported: "Not nearly as good a consistency as the All-butter mincemeat - a little too wet and runny. Very tasty all the same". Miserable git.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 5.3/10
Some alcohol, but not enough!

Sturdiness: 10/10
After their poor efforts with the all-butter, Waitrose have excelled themselves with the short crust recipe. Sturdy, golden and tasty.

Consumption Experience: 8.16/10
Opinion was divided over this pie. Simon thought it the best yet, by some considerable margin (when you compare it to the Tesco's Finest pie's price range) Matt reported that it was, "a very god pie, marred by flawed consistencies: the mincemeat was a little loose and the pastry a little powdery". Ian went with, " Top stuff from this pie. A true contender". So there you have it. Two out of three scientists prefer Waitrose Shortcrust.

Overall Score: 78.2%

To beat the Tesco's Finest pies was (as they unfortunately say all the time on the football telly) "a big ask". These pies are one third cheaper than the Tesco offering and for this reason are so far our star pie buy.

Waitrose All Butter

Packaging: 3.6/10
A stylish and good looking box, but Waitrose have dropped the ball here - this looks like the sort of mince pie you would serve at a funeral, not at a Christmas party. Not one concession to Christmas. The viewing window is its only redeeming feature.

Value for Money: 5/10
£1.99 for 6 pies. At 33.17p these are not cheap, but should be well within the grasp of Waitrose's Urban Tractor driving, Radio 4 listening target market. A 66.03g pie means these come in at 0.5p/g. This is a travesty - more expensive per gram than the organic morsels crafted by the Prince of Wales' own hands.

Mincemeat percentage: 8.9/10
A luxuriant deep fill is on offer to the discerning Waitrose shopper. A heavy 25.63g dollop makes this pie a winner with a 39% mincemeat percentage.

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 15mm
Thickness of Pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 5mm
Width at widest point: 72mm
This is a splendidly proportioned affair, with every measurement yielding an ideal result. Well done Waitrose.

Calorie Content: 5/10
A manly pie - after a brace of these, smothered in custard you'll be fueled up for a day of engine-rebuilding, fire-fighting and BASE jumping. You'll need to, just to avoid turning into a fat old woman.

Artistic Impression: 7/10
A great looking pie, with nice fluting around the lid. Lacks the festive decoration of a Kipling but has a beautifully gradation of the browning to the nicely sugared pastry.

Quality of mincemeat: 8.3/10
A delicious, thick, fruity, lumpy, boozy, moreish confection without excess sugar or over-reliance on the raisin. Commendable use of cranberries.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 8/10
A well-judged splash of port enhances the flavour immesurably. Another triumph for Waitrose's no-doubt closely guarded (from Prince Charles, at least) mincemeat recipe.

Sturdiness: 0/10
Oh dear. Waitrose have forgotton to glue the lids on properly. Most pies were compromised on removal from the silver case with the top coming away in the hand and the pie remaining in the foil. Eating a mince pie with an all-butter Frisbee balanced on top is a perilous affair.

Consumption Experience: 7.6/10
A delicious pie, but loses a couple of marks due to one tester's dislike of the pastry which is quite clearly made all of butter as advertised. It is on the rich side and we doubt you'd be reaching into the box for a third before being overcome by buttery-nausea. It's a shame as with a mid-butter pastry, this pie could have been great.

Overall Score: 63.4%

A really really good pie, that could have been higher than third ranking (so far...) if they had glued the lids on properly and used a shade less butter in the pastry mix. Highly recommended.

Tesco's Value

Here goes nothing...

Packaging: 4.7/10
Branding over Christmas here; hardly fills one full of Christmas cheer. Marks for environmentalism with a minimalist sleeve and plain cardboard shelf but this is at the expense of attractiveness and has the crumple zone of a Smart Car.

Value for Money: 8.2/10
£0.44 for 6 = an astoundingly cheap 7.3p per pie. With an average weight of 41.23g, this is a pie for a child, but at 0.18 pence per gram this is such a cheap mince pie hit you could easily cater a large children's party for a fiver.

Mincemeat percentage: 7.1/10
A pathetic 21% filling. An 8.68g skidmark of mincemeat in a thick lump of pastry.

Geometry: 5/10
Depth of filling: 9mm
Thickness of Pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 0mm
Width at widest point: 62mm
The dimensions of this absurd pie are all over the place. It is so low and wide, it looks as if it has been run over by a van. No gap for a much needed flavour enhancing dollop of brandy butter.

Calorie Content: 7/10
Yeah, you can eat two of these babies for every one Duchy Original, but would you want to? Well, maybe actually - perhaps that isn't such a good example. What we are trying to say is that these aren't worth the waistline. Leave them for the vegetarians. The fools.

Artistic Impression: 2/10
A horrible looking pie. Looks more like a biscuit. Would only get one if they hadn't put the pretty (but unseasonal) ocean-waves pattern on the lid.

Quality of mincemeat: 4.6/10
Good use of raisin and sultana. Poor use of any other fruit at all. Manages to be chunky at least, but far too sweet. Not that you'll notice the scraping Tesco wafts past this pie.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 0/10
Not even a suggestion of booziness. So teetotal are these pies that you could eat the whole box while driving at 70 mph guilt-free.

Sturdiness: 10/10
No problems eating these with one hand, largely because you can pretty much eat it with one bite. Recommended for those with new carpets or broken vacuum cleaners.

Consumption Experience: 2/10
A bad experience. As tasty as Jo Brand and drier than Jackie Mason, you'll need a pint of water on hand to flush the taste-buds and rehydrate the mouth.

Overall Score: 50.6%

Poor pies for poor people. Avoid

Duchy Originals Organic

We've moved away from the Tesco theme (in fact, these were bought from Waitrose, no less) to bring you a review of the one we thought would be the pie of pies.

Packaging: 7/10
A very satisfying box - like holding a new piece of Hi-Fi. It's refined and smart, like the Prince of Wales himself, though without the ears. Loses marks for lack of festiveness.

Value for Money: 1.3/10
£2.99 for 6 = 49.8p per pie.
An average weight of 57.4g surprised us. The packaging led us to believe that these would be big and heavy, but alas, no. 0.87 pence per gram, too. Blimey.

Mincemeat percentage: 8.5/10
35.3% of these pies (by weight) are filling. 20.26g, for those that like real facts. Good show, old chap.

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 18mm
Thickness of Pastry: 4mm
Gap from mince to dome: 2mm
Width at widest point: 70mm
A well proportioned pie! Nice and wide, with a satisfying deep fill. Sadly the lack of brandy-butter gap means it loses marks here.

Calorie Content: 4/10
I can feel my arteries clogging.

Artistic Impression: 7/10
Whilst a good sugar glaze and fluting can be seen, they're not tall enough and lazily decorated. Looks the most 'home-made' though, so if you're holding a coffee morning and trying to pass some pies off as your own, these are for you.

Quality of mincemeat: 4.3/10
The mincemeat in this one tasted of Christmas cake! Whatever next, a Christmas cake tasting of mince pies? "God" forbid.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 0/10
The essay on the front of the box tells tales of finest cognac (well, brandy actually) but we couldn't sense even a snifter.

Sturdiness: 3.3/10
I'm amazed they manage to feed themselves at all, to be honest. 1 out of 3.

Consumption Experience: 4/10
The pastry on this overpowered the overall taste, though it did taste of shortbread. One marker had the audacity to score this pie 0/10, which is frankly wrong because I'm sure there's worse to come...

Overall Score: 49.4%

Well, would you Adam and believe it? The worst pie reviewed so far. Frankly, we're disappointed with this one, which promised so much.
Poor meat, poor alcohol content and poor value for money means this has little going for it other than you get a lot of it. Lucky you.

Tesco's Deep Filled

Carrying on the recent Tesco's-branded theme, their own-brand "deep-filled" is next on the list.

Packaging: 6.83/10
Tesco's have saved themselves some money on this by serving us remarkably similar "serving suggestions" on the front for both their Deep- and Shallow- Filled pies; The background, plates and juxtaposed sprig of faux-holly look like they're identical though, granted, slightly repositioned. It is, however, a winning formula. An honest representation of pie and filling, with a bit of Christmas cheer to boot. The packaging itself is more robust, though and less prone to unintentional pie-damage. Lost some marks for excessive inner sleevage as we're an environmentally-friendly bunch.

Value for Money: 7.6/10
£0.99 for 6 = 16.5p per pie
These pies weighed in at 68.2g or 0.24 pence per gram. Slightly heavier and costlier than the shallow.

Mincemeat percentage: 8.8/10
26.15g of filling (38.3%) - an impressive showing of meat and worthy of the title "Deep filled".

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 19mm
Thickness of Pastry: 4.5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 9mm
Width at widest point: 70mm
At only 2mm short of the Finest pie, this one's still pretty darn good, in fact - it's overall proportions are probably slightly better than the aforementioned brand, but 10/10 is as much as we can give it. Good practise for amateurs looking to upgrade to something a bit meatier.

Calorie Content: 5/10
... but it has fruit in it. It must be healthy-ish.

Artistic Impression: 8/10
A good looking, festive pie this one, though the religous-connotations to the star get marked down by us atheistic-types.

Quality of mincemeat: 6.8/10
Good, solid fruit but not as rich-tasting as the finest pie. In summary, a bog-standard, average, run-of-the-mill, adequate meat.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 2.7/10
2 of us perceived alcohol, 1 didn't.

Sturdiness: 3.3/10
2 of us couldn't eat the pie without dropping some of it one our laps. 1 could, though and we'll let you readers guess which one that was.

Consumption Experience: 7.8/10
Some of us detected a slightly burned taste and it could have done with more alcohol but otherwise a mince-heavy pie with good, shortbread-like pastry. This is a solid, mainstream pie.

Overall Score: 66.8%

A good, solid pie. It might be more costly per gram, but with the extra filling that you're getting each swallow is much more satisfying.

Tesco's Finest

Very few preliminaries required here - this is likely to be a corker.

Packaging: 5.5/10
Brand image is clearly the priority here, with festive feeling ignored almost completely. On the plus side, a viewing window allows the careful shopper to visually evaluate the contents, but an unnecessary and environmentally unsound plastic sleeve garners no favour in this lab.

Value For Money: 6.6/10
£1.49 for 6 = 24.8p per pie. This pie is heavy in the hand at a pleasing 72.41g, giving a comparative cost of 0.34 pence per gram. Identical to a Kipling, these offer fair value for money.

Mincemeat Percentage: 8.9/10
With a generous 24.55g, this pie is 33.9% mincemeat. Classy.

Geometry: 10/10
Depth of filling: 15mm
Thickness of pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 5mm
Width at widest point: 72mm
This is a big wide pie, probably designed primarily for the male hand. The pastry is the perfect thickness and the gap is ideally suited to a spoonful of brandy butter.

Calorie Content: 5/10
Mince pies are not health food.

Artistic Interpretation: 7/10
Marked down only because in place of any festive cheer, there is a single lazy fork-mark in the lid. This may be an effort to look home-made, but it doesn't turn one's thoughts to the celebration of the Winter Solstice. The neat edging on the lid is a clever trompe l'oil, creating the illusion of the well filled pie cascading over the foil case.

Quality of Mincemeat: 9/10
Pretty much as good as it gets. Individual flavours of cherry and raisin burst through this ideally sweet (i.e. not very) mincemeat. With visible (and chewable) lumps of fruit, this is a succulent and moreish blend. A top quality mincemeat.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 8.3/10
The tang of brandy dances on the tongue, but a dash more of Tesco Value Courvoisier wouldn't have killed them.

Sturdiness: 10/10
No breakages due to a near-perfect pastry. The lid flexes and rests on the filling instead of breaking off and resting on the lap.

Consumption Experience: 9/10
This pie is close to perfect. The filling and pastry are in a different league to the other pies tasted thus far. Sadly, being not quite boozy enough and lacking in Christmas cheer loses it a mark.

Overall Score: 79.3%
It is going to take quite a pie to top this little beauty.

Tesco's Shallow

Well, these pies have got off to a bad start just by being a shallow fill, but in the interests of science we must conduct the full test.

Packaging: 7/10
A unanimous verdict. This is an honest representation of the contents, attractively presented on a festive plate. The packaging exudes Christmassyness with redness, holly and snowflakes all playing a valuable role. This slipcase loses marks for its inability to protect the pies from even a minor impact.

Value For Money: 7.8/10
£0.72 for 6 = 12p per pie
At 53.43g per pie, they cost 0.22 pence per gram. Excellent.

Mincemeat Percentage: 7.8/10
With 14.87g of mincemeat, this pie is 27.8% mincemeat.
This low quantity of filling will struggle to make itself known above the pastry taste.

Geometry: 4/10
Depth of filling: 12mm
Thickness of pastry: 5mm
Gap from mince to dome: 0mm
Width at widest point: 62mm
The lack of brandy butter gap is a mistake here, quite literally letting the pie down and turning a nice wide pie with a pastry case of ideal thickness into a funny, squat looking affair.

Calorie Content: 6/10
Of course a lighter pie will be lighter on the stomach. This is not really a manly concern but this pie is recommended by us for all you chubby women out there.

Artistic Interpretation: 3.6/10
There's no getting away from it: this is an ugly pie. It is aesthetically challenged in every respect, from its stumpy height and pallid pastry to the decidedly un-festive wavy design on the charmlessly off-kilter lid. This is not a pie you would happily pile on a plate at a coffee morning and pretend you had made (although your guests would no doubt believe you had, and politely refuse another).

Quality of Mincemeat: 6.8/10
A tasty, zesty mincemeat, with plenty of fruity lumps (although possibly a little heavy on the raisins at the expense of glace cherries). Not as sweet as a Kipling, but there is still too much sugar overwhelming the fruit.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 3.3/10
We fancied we tasted a trace of alcohol in these pies. A glance at the ingredients disabuses us of this idea, so presumably the fruit is already beginning to ferment.

Sturdiness: 10/10
Not one collapse on eating - you could grasp a mug of tea in your other hand whilst eating this pie and not waste a crumb. This is no doubt due to the lid being glued firmly to the filling (not necessarily a good thing).

Consumption Experience: 4.3/10
Shallow fill is about right - what we have here is all pastry and no trousers. The flavours are good, but the pastry isn't so good that we didn't want to taste any mincemeat. What little mincemeat we could taste was tangy and pleasingly textured.

Overall Score: 60.6%

Not a bad result for the shallow fill. The mincemeat is very good but here a mouthful of pie is a mouthful of pastry. It might be better heated and served with custard, but that falls outside the remit of this investigation.

Mr. Kipling Deep Filled

This, the first pie of the test, has been chosen for benchmarking purposes as we feel that although Mr Kipling purports to make exceedingly good bakery products, his pies are unlikely to be the elusive pie of pies. Primarily the choice of C1 and C2 households, the Kipling product is expected to put in a solid, average performance.

Packaging: 6/10
Mr. Kipling's packaging tells pork pies, not mince pies. The mincemeat advertised on the box is a very optimistic representation of what you actually get. We liked the lack of superfluous packaging and the artwork was otherwise inspiring and Christmassy without being at all religious.

Value for money: 6.6/10
£1.35 per pack = 22.5p per pie
67g per pie, that's a cost of 0.34p per gram. Fair.

Mincemeat Percentage: 8.3/10
22g of filing = 32.8%
A solid performance, but hardly a truly deep fill.

Geometry: 7/10
Depth of filling: 16mm
Thickness of pastry: 4mm
Gap from mince to dome: 12mm
Width at widest point: 62mm
A pleasantly well-proportioned pie, but the gap is far larger than a standard teaspoon of brandy butter, and is therefore too large.

Calorie Content (for the girls): 5/10
250 kcal and 9.3g of fat per pie.
This is 5 weightwatchers points - too much fat for too little fun.

Artistic Interpretation: 8/10
Classic pie shape (near ideal proportions), nice gradiation of goldenness to crust colour, excellent irreligious christmas tree embossed on lid.

Quality of Mincemeat: 5/10
Far from the fruit-rich, textured mincemeat the illustration promises, the pureed texture disappoints and the flavour is artificially over-sweet. A shame.

Perceived Alcohol Content: 1/10
Very little was perceived at all. Needs work.

Sturdiness: 3.3/10
Only Ian managed to consume this pie one-handedly without wastage due to crumbling. We think the large void below the domed top was the major contributor to this poor outcome. One questions whether these are really deep filled, as advertised, or merely just deep.

Consumption Experience: 6.7/10
Good sugar glaze, but pastry a little too crumbly. Slightly cloying sweetness to the mincemeat, not nearly enough lumps. Gap too large, resulting in low resistance to the tooth and subsequent collapse: not a one-handed operation in 2/3 cases. Could be more alcoholic (or even alcoholic at all).

Overall Score: 56.9%

As predicted, an average pie but certainly nothing special.

Scientific Method

A comparison of the class, cost and calorie content of a crowd of Christmas comestibles.

Goodhead, I., Ife, M. and Reeves, S.

Introduction

Mince pies are pastry cases filled with a sweet mincemeat, with a variety of pastries being used, including choux, puff or the more common shortcrust [#1]. Pies can also go against this trend and be iced instead of having a pastry top, to some traditionalists’ dismay [#2]. Typically available and eaten in the region leading up to, and on, Christmas Day, mince pies are often adorned with various symbols related to the festive season, including holly leaves and pine “Christmas” trees [#3].

Mince pies can differ in a number of ways, from price, ingredients, geometry and ratio of pastry-to-mincemeat to differences in their packaging. Also, due to the large availability of mince pies, especially from large supermarket chains [#4], different combinations of said variables can result in a large range of perceived quality.

Materials and Methods

A number of mince pies will be assessed by the authors for their quality based on the following factors, each getting a mark out of 10:

· Packaging^%

· Quality of Mincemeat^%

· Value For Money

· Mincemeat Percentage

· Geometry

· Calorie Content

· Artistic Interpretation^%

· Perceived Alcohol Content^%

· Sturdiness

· Consumption Experience^%

% - subjective test

Purchase price will be the individual retail price of a single pack of mince pies, not taking into account any special offers available at the time. All pies will be purchased from Tesco unless otherwise stated.

Weight of the pie and its filling will be taken using a two-figure digital balance.

Value for Money will be calculated as a pence-per-gram measurement. This figure will be multiplied by 10 and subtracted from the maximum mark to get a final score. (eg. if 0.3p per gram, final score will be 7 out of 10)

Geometry of the pie will be measured by taking a transverse section of the pie using a sharp knife and measuring using a ruler (performed by a single user to avoid user-dependant differences such as poor eyesight). Scoring for this is in three parts:

1. Depth of filling: deeper the better +1 for every mm over 15, -1 for under;
2. Thickness of pastry: 5mm is +2, 4 or 6 is +1, 3 or 7 is 0, 2 or 8 is -1 etc;
3. Gap from mince to dome: 8mm -0.5 for every mm bigger, -0.25 for every gap smaller;
4. Width at widest point: +1 for every mm over 60, -1 for under.

Mincemeat percentage will be given a score of 5+ (percentage fill /10) giving a 50% or more fill as 10/10.

Calorie content is scored as 10 minus the calculated Weightwatcher’s^® Points^®. The calculation can be found at:

http://www.weightwatchers.co.uk/plan/www/ptc.aspx.

Sturdiness will be scored as a percentage of those pies that don’t fall apart whilst eating one handed (ie. 0, 3.3, 6.7, or 10).

For those tests that are subjective, an average of the three author’s scores will be taken. Individual scores will not be published to retain anonymity unless a specific author has made a pertinent point.

The overall score is the sum of the ten factors giving the final total as a percentage of points available.

Results, Discussion and Conclusions

These will be published on the web-log at http://mincepietest.blogspot.com as soon as they are available.

Meet The Scientists

You are doubtless asking yourself who the hell we think we are, thrusting our assessments at you. Just how, exactly, are we qualified to pass judgement on this most succulent of Christmas comestibles? What, quite frankly, makes our opinion on the subject so much more valuable than yours? Education, that's what:

Simon "Shortcrust" Reeves
Having studied biology to a degree, Simon has the scientific credentials necessary to partake in such an exacting and rigorous programme of pie testing. Just as importantly, Simon understands internets and is therefore playing the pivotal role of bringing the results of these ground-breaking investigations to you, our pie-loving audience.

Ian "Mincing" Goodhead
Ian is an actual, genuine scientist: he understands DNA, knows which end of a pipette to hold, and has had his name in Nature and everything. Most importantly, he knows how to conduct a Fair Test which, as we all know, is the most important thing in any experiment. As such, Ian is our Chief Scientist and is ruthlessly scrutinising the methodology as well as carefully tasting each and every pie.

Matt "Pies" Ife
Matt is an accountant and is therefore qualified to make the complex calculations required to bring you crucial information such as cost per gram and mince-to-pastry ratio. He can also be relied upon to brandish a ruler correctly and record the measurements with tedious accuracy in the geometry tests. With no formal scientific training, Matt is an enthusiast and brings a lifetime of informal mince pie assessment to the project.

The Meaning of Christmas...

Christmas is all about eating. We don't care what you say to the contrary. Just look at the evidence:

• Christmas Pudding
• Christmas Cake
• Christmas Dinner
• Mince Pies

Last year we conducted our own in-house investigation into the various brands of mince pies available in the United Kingdom and startling differences were uncovered among a relatively small sample. This year we are stepping up our efforts by conducting a full-scale scientific enquiry into the differences between major (and minor) brands and those available from our major retail outlets. Christmas, it seems, is also all about science in our house.

We will be using some very accurate test equipment during this project to rate the pies according to ten criteria:

• Packaging
• Value For Money (how much pie you really get for your pound)
• Mincemeat Percentage
• Geometry
• Calorie Content (for the girls)
• Artistic Interpretation
• Quality of Mincemeat
• Perceived Alcohol Content
• Sturdiness
• Consumption Experience
  

Each criterion is marked out of ten which gives an overall percentage rating for the pie.

We'd like you, our reading public, to add your own comments and reviews: if you've sampled a pie in this test then please leave us a comment and give us your (admittedly unscientific) views on it. Alternatively, if you have a favourite brand that you wish us to consider then please get in contact. We'll try to rate as many as possible before Christmas.